for you

just give me time to find myself.

and my direction in life.

once i am certain, be joyful to know that i'll come looking for you again.

the infectious laughs. the parodies. the jokes. the get-togethers.

but for now, i might be disillusioned. fearful. isolated. reckless.

let me be.

how can i look for you when i am lost myself?

stay. and wait. for the day when i'll come to you with my smile.

please, if i must.

My BF graduates!

My BF has finally joined me on the ranks of unemployed graduates! Yipeee!!

Ok, must be more subdued, later he murder me you know la those ego thing manhood etc hahaha!

Like I say right, graduating/convocating are BIG, TIRING, messy events (refer to MY convocation post and you'll know why!) but BF was lucky in so many ways than mine because

1) He was enrobed by the university staff ON THE DAY ITSELF.
If you guys are not fellow UM-ers and not knowing what the whole big fuss is about, my uni requires you to take the robe beforehand. And it was written by somewhat anonymous student in The Star complaint column on how kiasu UM graduates are on the day of the robe collection itself, there were fiasco going on and people coming to line up as early as the night before? Believe it or not? haha

2) It didn't rain.
Yes, BF was sooo lucky :(

3)There were only 200 of them.
Inclusive of foundation, diploma, degree and Masters students altogether. Lucky asses.

4) There were refreshments afterwards.
Like wth!!?? So good one?

5) Professional photographers came and took GROUP photos for every different major.
Damn! UM should have those! But I understand la. Too many people, too little time.
Ok, I am still sad because I didn't take photos with my course mates. Sigh.

Enough liao! Pictures!

The blur graduate

His parents didn't get any flowers for him! Guess those kind of things totally slipped off their minds because he's their first graduate of the family! Bet they'll remember by the time his younger bro and sis's!

And I did persuade him on getting a bouquet the day before, but he kept hesitating and saying it was insignificant. And maybe I wasn't persuasive enough! But then, what would you have me do? I asked him let's get one (and I would get it for him) BUT he kept saying there's no need for one!

So nobody get him one! Which is kinda absurd right! It is supposed to be some congratulatory ceremony of some sort, so they should be some form of congratulations!

So on the day itself, the mum decided to get something else as replacement...

Ha ha ha ha..

Guess which one his mom finally bought for him?

And went home and become my NEW beloved love *wink*

Say Hi to Gerard!!!

:)

And little Gerard because the mom said she wanna put one in her car. Hahahaha... And they weren't cheap!

Love smiling at me *melts*

BF with Gerard

As you can see, he is mightily unproud of Gerard *hmph glare*

Hold also don't hold properly, hold him by his mouth! HMPH! Painful ok! Pity Gerard!

And then right, when he came out of the hall, I quickly like shoved Gerard to him and say, "Congrats hahahaha guess what we got you!"

He held Gerard for a while and his friends went like, "Eh whats this!!!" and poke poke poke Gerard! And then I think he was malu of Gerard, he shoved G back to me and then never held him ever since!!! Ungrateful urgh!

And then hor NOW he had the guts to fight with me over G whenever I went and hold G!

WHY LIKE THIS ONE! GUYS HOLD SOFT TOYS VERY MALU MERH!

Hungry graduates or isit graduands?

Sis YenRu who completed her foundation! Congrats!

And that's why I can go! Because he and her both got two invitations each so their parents, their bro and me went!

Personal Photographer of the BF (and G, can you see him hahaha!)

And dats why you see pictures of him and NO ME.

ok, maybe ONE

Hahaha Gerard cute or not! Never a dull day for him always smiling!

Gerard + small Gerard with YenRu

Throwing mortar boards!

Which is very funny la! I should have taken vid instead hahahaha... How I wished my uni's is as warm and funny like this! The officer damn friendly and kept going like, "Parents, r u ready!" for parents to take pic of their kids throwing hats.

Like wtf why my uni officers not lidat one?

The happy family

And the useful GF sidelined because jadi photographer sigh sigh

Never jadi GF I tell you people. Jadilah fiancee atau isteri supaya anda tidak akan disidelinedkan.

Sidelined GF + YenRu

BF and his paper worth 4 years effort hahahaa

OK end of story. If you must know, that day (25th August) was his birthday as well!

I don't know la. Who got so lucky to get graduated on their birthday you tell me! So at night, the parents chia-ed us and some of the family relatives to dinner! Can you imagine how tiring the whole day was!!!

And I had interview the next day right so I went and study till 4am in the morn and was almost late for interview at 11am! I KNOW I KNOW cannot late for interview! *haih GF of the Year material*

Oh yeah, great accomplishment my interview. Not because I did well, the job is a long-shot thing because of urm.. some difficulties. But my accomplishment is that I WALKED TO MY INTERVIEW!!!

Hahahahaha I never walked in Kuching ok since my sec school days but the interview was like around my area! I thought I was going to be late because I only departed at 10.30 am from home and I thought the walk was going to take me 15 minutes!

I hardly had any chance to time myself since the last time I walked there (which was in sec days when I wanted to bind some project! It was like urm 5 years ago!?). I gave myelf 15 minutes because I know it took me more than 5 last time, and I was wearing office wear and heels under the hot sun *so unglamorous I know kill me la* so I say 15 minutes late late late die!

And guess what!

I arrived in 5 minutes!!!!

Sheesssshhhh either my walking pace has improved or my legs are longer so can cover more distance faster hahahaha

Ok conclusion is I was not late and I WALKED TO MY INTERVIEW YIPEEE here is one toast to Suzie who was humbled to walk! Ok I admit I was thinking like, "how how if people I know see me walking how how in office wear somemore!"

BUT NEVER AGAIN! I shall repeat my walking days! I did it in uni, in KL, in sec days; i SHALL DO IT AGAIN!!!

Ok, end of story. Sleep la!

Mixture of feelings..

I seriously don't know where I should rant anymore.

I want to rant here because this is where I always rant about, but sometimes I feel like I shouldn't disclose to the whole world because I scared people might say I am ungrateful and choosy, picky over a job BUT I dunno, it's my life right? I get to choose right!?

And then I have SO many questions for me to ask around about working, getting a job, the professional way to do it etc I don't know, I think I really need a mentor but I am really pai seh!

Because I used to have one before this and THEN I baffled even him who has been working for 10+ years, HE SAID I OVER THINK THINGS SOMETIMES!

Hallo, say something that I know about, can? As if the world doesn't know I am someone who plans 10 steps ahead and over analyze every single thing that my mind can take.

SIGH SIGH SIGH.

I now understand all of my working mates who said enjoy your life before stepping into the working world. Because I bloody feel so every time I need to get ready for an interview!

I feel like SHIT KENOT PLAY LIAO time to be a boring person despite just going for the 1st interview! haiyah stop telling me I think too much, this is ME I cannot change it!

I think last time I must have some trauma. Must be I didn't plan something beforehand and shit happens and then now I am paranoia, everything also must plan plan plan.

Last time back in uni even worse. On my way back from uni (during the 3o minutes walk), I can imagine myself doing the rest of the day punya activities - shower, rest, tapao, eat, do research about thesis, web-cam with BF, wash clothes -YOU GET THE IDEA.

While you don't think this is weird right, the weird thing is I envisioned all these things as of the time, place and how I was gonna do it in my mind before I do them! Yes I am OCD whatever, I hope my future employers/company don't stumble on my blog because they are going to know I have low EQ!

Okay enough la, to better things!

My trip to Singapore! Which is great! *clap clap clap*

Had less conflicts with BF on this one because we are complete tourists thrown in a new terrain unknown to us, so we basically played tourist and guess-where-this-bus-takes-us kinda thing!

I compared this to the time I had in KL because BF drove in KL using my cousin's car and I always forget that he is not used to KL roads and forget to instruct him to follow some road and then, that's it... we're on some foreign highway leading to no way!

So basically all the time in KL, I had to look out for signboards because not like I am familiar with KL/Selangor that much anyways and then, my conversations with BF is always around, "Puchong Puchong!!!!" wtf because my cousin lives in Puchong la so every time have to point Puchong signboard to him because I think he is not used to multi task (looking at signboards AND drive).

But I think I did well hahahaha I asked him to drive us to Ikea/Ikano from Puchong and we didn't get lost hahaha. And I think seriously, he knows the way to UM by heart because he drove me there like 3 or 4 times already hahahaha.

Oops ok Singapura!!




Like seriously!

I can live and work there! Because everything is so convenient can!?

I don't drive and wala! Got MRT, punctual buses God things cannot get better than this! Some more, there's one night where I spotted this girl in JC uniform or something and it was quite late and she was walking *gasp!*

I was telling Kyle! "WAHHHH, so late still walking ha!!!? She's looking for trouble!"

And then Kyle replied.. "Errr it's kinda safe la.. in a way..."

And I was stunned!

TO LIVE IN SOMEWHERE WHERE YOU CAN WALK LATE AT NIGHT AND NOT FEELING INSECURE, what else can we ask for!?

I don't know. A country where it is relatively safe, where Chinese are not treated like 2nd class citizens, and the citizens are highly educated (people in Singapore read while waiting for buses/trains!) and most importantly, where my field is more widely practiced.. this sounds to good to be true.

Well, we'll see. You guys better pray that I failed all my interviews here so that you guys might have a place to stay in Sg next time hahahaha...

Okla, finish ranting and commenting. Time to sleep! :)

Which one?

I am really really at a crossroad right now.

I just want some solution.. any solution.

Help.

Life..

Has been very idle lately.

what do you expect from the "world's greatest bummer" as written in my fb.

Despite so, my search for a job has intensified so I am spending a lot of time in front of computer. When I am not, I read on self-help articles that supposedly will motivate me. Or watch Olympics and think why didn't I worked harder and maybe I get to become a Datuk now!?

Which is a point I wanna say.

Can you believe the amount of effort these people put into their sports!? I mean, like how on earth do you start training by like, I don't know 3 or 4 years old; even 12 years old is relatively young for something you want to commit your life to!

I see gymnastics / diving and they say 20 years old is "veteran"! *faints*

People starting breaking records when they're 18, 19, 20, 21?

When you're 3 or 4 or 12, don't you just wanna play "police and thief" rather than train for hours long and some more constricted by special diets when you reaaallllyyy want that candy and then your other remaining time is spent with tuitions!?

Don't you just want to rebel!?

SO HOW ON EARTH PEOPLE CAN ACHIEVE THIS AT SUCH A RELATIVELY YOUNG AGE!?

I mean, do they like when they are 3 years old - tell their parents their dream is to join Olympics or someting?

I feel like air no no vacuum next to these people man.

I read somewhere about this one athlete who ate at the same table as Phelps at the athlete's village and he said, he wanted to talk to Phelps but he was shy because now Phelps is like, urm invincible or something!

OMG, he himself is an Olympian ok! He might not win medals but he is one of the best in the world!!! How can he felt inferior to Phelps!?

What are the rest of us, mortals should be feeling?

I'm 23 and I have like urm... NOTHING!

I'm not even sure my 23 years of existence is as precious as an Olympic medal!

And these people are like, the best in the world. At a very young age! Sheeezzzzeee...

You know that Jamaica girl who broke the Olympic record and won the 400m hurdles!? She's still studying in an university in Texas and she's an Olympic champion! Like wth.

My resume is nothing to hers man!

Okay, if you really don't know. This post is here for the sake of implying I'm still alive but I ran out of inspiration hahaha

And oh yeah, I think Olympics' athletes are sooo yummylicious looking alright! You see their abs and muscles and you can grin all night long - and then you realize, they're quite handsome too- what are the odds man? yum yum yum...

Physically attractive with a talent to boost - let's leave the intellect issue behind for these cases shall we? I don't know, isn't that sexy?

Yes I am enjoying myself, can't you tell?

Sad convo :(

Finally, the time of the waited had come and frantically, all of the graduates of 2008 prepared themselves for the very eventful day.

On my side, although this officially meant that I finished my painstaking 3 years in university, it was a melancholic closure of another chapter in my life and I hadn't been hyped up about the whole event even when it's the day before.

I was hoping to catch on the craze or the hype by prepping myself with any minute details that I could pay attention to , but all in all the experience was a rather "meh" experience to me and should I be given any more chance to do it, I would have skipped it.

Okay enough melodrama, on to the day itself!

Erm, this is NOT on the day itself.. BUT this is HOW I wanted to look like on my convo day! I practiced my makeup two days before, on the day I arrived in KL during late hours in the night!!! I forsook my sleep for this GAHHH!

I snapped pictures of myself to make sure I look "camera-friendly"!

Vainpot, I admit!

OK to me!

If you find it fugly, I don't care.

BUT ON THAT DAY, because of so many reasons skin got worse because of all the stress and everybody was late, freaking didn't have time to do makeup, in the end, I looked like this...

.....

I am lazy, so gonna let the pictures talk and then maybe add in some things when I feel like it.

Getting ready

The convocation stage

There's a freaking 1K of us that day. It was freaking LONG to wait until they called on S names, and I was messaging everybody on my hp contacts to keep alive awake. And yes it saddens me because nobody I know was sitting close to me, so I barely just yawned most of the time.

AND NOBODY TRIPPED!

wth. I need some entertainment ppl! Out of 1K people, nobody tripped!

I was thinking to myself, should there be anybody tripping, this should be the session because we had 1K people going up, but to my dismay, NO ONE did. Haih.

Okay, better don't curse people... karma karma..

So after like a gazillion years inside the hall, at 6pm, FINALLY we were free of conventional, boring procedures only to realize we are stuck in massive human jam because IT WAS BLOODY RAINING OUTSIDE!

It took me 20 minutes to find Jui and my mom. And my best friend, WY took nearly 30 minutes to find hers. Bloody wasted all the time we could have taken photos together!

By this time, I was already freaking agitated. And I was extremely whiny! The sufferers are of course Jui and my mom! I feel so guilty now. They just basically swallowed in all my whinings and complaints and sometimes baseless accusations against them because they weren't trying hard enough to make that time special for me!

DON'T JUDGE ME, YOU WEREN'T ME. This is an event of your life, and you are already expecting all the good things, taking photos, throwing hats etc! Imagine not being able to find ANYBODY to take photos with and umbrellas and human jam are everywhere! And you're wet and carrying 5kg of wet robe on you!

It was bloody chaotic, both inside (of me) and outside!

Wrapping me in CSS banner

I was smiling but you had no idea..

CAN YOU SEE ALL THE UMBRELLAS AROUND ME!!? How to walk and find people like that!!!

With Amanda and The CSS gang

ALICIA!

Who made it! Gosh, I love her so much I am thinking maybe I should go lesbian with her and take her away from Shin should things doesn't work out with Jui (choi!!!) because she's so pretty now and she's effing good at everything she does! and she came to my convo!!! Gosh, I am so terharu.

With Ning and Siew, my 1st year BFF's.

Which we eventually separated after 1st year because they stayed outside and I remained in college and after that, we went on different majorings and seldom spent time together! :(

But I *heart* them lots because everytime I see them, I have a gazillion things to say about and not get bored!

With Haw Chin!

I took off my mortar board because I KNOW I look better without it hahahaha. And yeah, actually I was really whiny and agitated ok you don't know.

The sky was getting darker and people were dispersing and the rain wouldn't stop! HAIH major failure this convocation!

I saw the CSS gang still lurking around (probably looking for more grads to wrap banner around) so I plonked in for a little bit of conversation.

With Isaac my XH best mate holding pink umbrellas!

The CSS gang soaking wet!

I hope the rain didn't get you guys sick that day! hahahha

I love you guys!!!

And then I took off my robe because seriously all the weight was getting to me. Not enough that I was extremely pissed off at the bad luck of the weather and not finding my friends and we finished late, the robe was extremely making me feeling more riled up.

And I am small and petite in size so it was REAAALLLLY getting to me having to drag the whole robe with me!

So I took it off and met up with some people to take pics with! *see can walk faster also wihout the robe hahaha*

Can you see it was dark already! Haih!

With Vera!

And yes, I think I look better in my office/formal wear than my jubah!

And no, you cannot think otherwise. Comments that think otherwise will be deleted ignored.

Getting darker!

Doesn't this puts you off!!??? Like it's signalling you to GO HOME GO HOME sigh I want more pics!

With my ex roomate!

Of who I think have a great deal of potential to be a beautiful lady in the future once she gets the idea on making up and wearing contacts, you mark my word hahaha..

It was getting darker and mom was bored hahahaha

Okay, must show you my flowers! Because these are the biggest bouquets I have received ever in my whole 23 years and 2 months of existence!

yala yala im so pitiful laugh laugh somemore :(

Gerbera's from Jui!

My personal fav! Because I didn't capture it well enough but they are really quite glorious! And they perked me up whenever I take a look at it!

I was asking BF how come he never get me this big of a bouquet in Kuching, of which he answered, "You try finding a big bouquet like this in Kuching for RM60 (that was how much he got it), and I'll get it for you!"

That is not the point! *kiasu don't want to lose*

mom's bouquet!

Ok, I admit I quite the very greedy.

When both offered to get me flowers, I was ecstatic and started to choose flowers! I wanted the lilies but they weren't blooming properly.

I should have just stuck with one bouquet because I carried those flowers all around and my hands started to shake because they were very very heavy and in the end, I left those bouquets at my cuz's place because mom's heading back to Kuching with my luggages so she'll be carrying a lot of things while Jui/me head to Singapore. So there's no choice but to leave the flowers.

:(

Sadness because I would have kept the flowers till they wilted.

OK, after that we went back home and my cousin belanja-ed us some seafood which was damn a lot but I am extremely thankful of! I was hungry after the whole event!

The next day...

Was no honeymoon, because I still had some issues to settle at UM!

Picking up my pic at UM

And my stage pic (the one taken while I took my scroll) was damn fat ok! I had double chin in ALL the pics taken which I am wildly mad about but haih it's all my fault anyways!

Actually I wanna blame this on Hiong and Kyle because while they were back in Kuching for hols, we kept staying up till wee hours in the morn and went for endless fattening suppers!

I think I was in denial about myself getting fat and thinking I might be able to shrink the fat in time for convo and look at what happened!

Not in time!

MY DOUBLE CHIN WAS CAPTURED ON CAMERA AND DESTINED TO HAUNT ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!

I now have to look in horror at my pic for the rest of my life and not forgetting, the next generation get to laugh at my fatty chin! Sigh.

Thus the sulk :(

CoolGraduate coming through!

And mom looking bored again hahahaha!

I feel so bad, my mom must be sooooo bored all the time! Is this what I am supposed to endure for my daughter next time!!!?? NOOOOOOOoooooooo....

Pic with WY!

With coursemates!

Ok, I don't feel so bad because AT least I took photos with some of my course mates! Gosh, where's all the others!!!??? I AM STILL SO SAD! 2 years together and no pictures taken at all together!

Johnson! Why are you not there!? lol.

Marianne, Yien Rong, Joel, Shaun, Munira and others!!!!

And what about Jeffery, Pris, Eva!!!??? Nama saja same session, bayang pun tak nampak! Haih.

@ Cuz's place with my flowers

Sad that I have to leave them there!

Rest for a while, took showered and rushed BF to head to..

Xavier Hall where the CSS gang is!

There's me getting thrown in the air btw. Luckily I weigh 45kg and they had no problem lifting me up. :)

makan makan makan!

Then Kenny came late and guess what was his punishment!

jeng jeng jeng

KENNY KENA THROWN UP IN THE AIR!

hahahahaha so funny!

We were supposed to do like 3 times (standard) but the 2nd time Kenny came down, all of us gave up and he fell to the ground!!! OUCH! HAHAHAHAHAHA

I think it's because he's too heavy ehem ehem ok nolar we tak cukup tenaga batin lelaki kot lol.

One of infamous 10 shots as usual

And then of course we make way for home of which I managed to snuggle to most of them and took personal photos! I am still very very riled up about not having to take photos with my coursemates and close friends but I guess everything happens for a reason! *sulks*

I wanna thank you BF and mom for going through this with me! Sorry for my bad temper, I just had SO much things going through at that point of time! I promised next time I will take you guys to better places around KL next time! Sorry again!

That's all folks AND please don't bash Chong Wei for losing, he's nervous and the point is he made it this far and Lin Dan is this arrogant person; further more playing at his home ground, do you really think he would lose?

It was against CW's odds all the time, and yes CW did gave away an easy game but he WAS nervous as you can see him shaking when he was drinking!

I pity him; I am sure the papers tomorrow are going to rile up about what a "failure" he is.

Olympic silver medallist!!! How is that a failure I cannot fathom! You try being one!

Ok bed time! Nitez!

Time never waits, does it?

Was looking through my convo pics.

And I couldn't help the trickling tears down my cheeks.

Another chapter has closed, now it's time for me to move on, isn't it?

:)

Missing quite a few people who I thought will be there. Gil, Ivory, Marianne, jeffery?

And also people in KL that I know I will def miss. Sheen, Mel, Lisa, Tim, Jo, room mate, WaiYan, course mates, CSS people, Greg and CL who I know for such a short time but already we are talking on FB and MSN like old high school mates? lol.

Thanks for the memories, guys...

Sometimes I wished I didn't have so much fun that I know I will miss them after it's gone.

Take care people and please know I love all of you.

You paint my world a whole lot. Now it's a masterpiece.

:_)

Update from LionCity

Okay, I am blogging from Singapore ok!

I am so sorry for all the messages on Facebook/MSN/email that I have yet to reply, my time for Internet here is pretty much limited!

I only have time to online when The BF is snoozing or when Hiong or Kyle is still sleeping; so yea I practically had to sacrifice my sleep time for this!

Oh yea my convo! IT BLOODY RAINED!

I would say I didn't manage to take pics with 90% of my coursemates, I am so sad! Not enough that we are the biggest graduating faculty and our session is probably the longest until 6pm, it raineedddd!!

I took 20 minutes to find Jui and my mom and my other close friends took equally longer to find theirs as well because of the swarming of the people carrying umbrella and how packed it is and we are wearing 4-5 kg of robe which is WET - gosh, telling it now makes me very very moody as of that day!

I even took a few pics WITHOUT my robe because it was heavy and humid, and having the small stature that I have, I was really having breathing difficulties already!

Ok ok time for me to get ready to go out!

You see, this is my life everyday here in Singapore! Go out early, come back late!

Not that I am complaining hahahaha...

Sec days...

I would like to think there are two sides to my younger sec days.

One was my naivety, and the other was a shielded past.

During sec days (not including F6), I genuinely feel towards people. Meaning those that I like and I don’t like, I tried to project in many ways of my standings. I hated being a hypocrite, but let’s just say I haven’t mastered the art of being a two-face.

In most times, I find it that I will show some form of abhor or disgust or disapproval in my actions without my wanting to. Like when I talked to someone I dislike, I will probably only give a half-smile and allow for 2 minutes of conversation instead of 5 minutes someone else deserved. At that time, I thought I was being real to myself. That I didn’t want to do something I hated.

And I also believed I wasn’t doing anything wrong.

There are tendencies of people not clicking with some people, and while I don’t hate the person, I just showed that we don’t click on the same frequency. I won’t avoid the person but neither will I be good friends, because there’s just something I might not like about the person.

It was these times that I only hung out with people I love and care about. My life at that point of time had been evolved around friends who are close and genuine, and I was happy. Conflicts may come but it will be soon resolved because we were all good friends. I remembered some certain times that I was guilty towards my close friends of certain things and only now I regretted my childish acts because they are nothing now compared to my close friends.

Those acts certainly don’t take me anywhere now.

This was when I was naïve. I believed the perfect world existed for me; where all I had to do was work hard and love harder. I had faith in the humankind, what more the people around me. Everyday was a new experience but nothing was bad enough to permit crying to sleep. It was all going to be okay the next day…

And about the being shielded from the real world, it’s a sad story altogether.

It was like a black cloud that had taken over a little girl’s world of rainbows and teddy tales and pastel colors.

I thought my being genuine to myself will be appreciated by everyone. Meaning I am twice the person that hypocrite you may meet; or the bad-mouthing friend you had. If I didn’t like you, I would let you know by how I stayed away from you but I wouldn’t say things behind your back. At least I was honest. Or so I thought.

Come F6, where probably the people who had helped shielded me from the chaos of the world left – I was astounded by the news of how people backstabbed me, or say bad things about me but say other wise in front me; or how one can fake a sweet smile in front of and spread rumors behind me; or how one tried to influence others on how undeserving I was.

All these while, I was living in a lie.

Mutual friends who are pricks. Classmates who really wanted to see your downfall. Envious people who really just wanted to see you stumble. The smile which is really a smirk. People who you thought you like, really hated your guts.

Name callings. Cat fights. Spread of rumors. Undeserving statements. Bad mouth. Betrayal.

I swallowed the realities of life one by one, with hesitation accompanied with late night cries into my pillow. I questioned myself whether I was such a mean person to deserve all this or maybe these are just makings of people who are envious?

It was too much to take at one time.

What comes and what gives?

I dreamed of the times when I was naïve, when I was shielded – and maybe the saying that goes “what she/he doesn’t know won’t hurt her/him” could be right. I thought to myself whether it would be better to know or to not know?

Of the better days, when life was simpler.

Of the good ol’ days, when life is about only your test results.

Of the merry joyful days, when camp fires are the most look-forward event.

Of the hikes and Damai trips, when everything outdoor is enough to lift up spirits.

\

When did the days get tougher?

When did I start to miss all of your company?

When did I felt like I might not know anybody at all?

When did I start to feel like happy days are diamond-rare-precious when they used to be free-flow?

When did I start to feel gooey instead of all warm inside?

When did I stop whistling and humming?

When did everyone changed?

Rewind please. When the days are simpler. I promise I will appreciate them better now.

/emo

*to all my friends and acquaintances, I love all of you and treasured the times that you have been there for me. All the small talks and petty conversations meant the world to me now – because I had always thought they were genuine. Thank you again. I miss all of you!

Damai Trip story!

Ok, this is long out-dated!

But I might as well blog as at this time, I will be in KL, so I won't be around for a week or so! (this is a scheduled post!)

I really am feeling quite depressed at the time I"m writing this because I had tons of fun while Hiong and Kyle was back; and now I am attending my convo and I have to start looking for job seriously. :(

End of life of a bummer. Sien!

This is about OUR trip to Damai Beach Resort! :)

#1 The guys checking in!

#2 BF acting cute!

#3 this is MUA.

#4 Hiong protecting himself? BF at the back!

We take group photos with self timers!

#5 Bullying Tess!

#6 Bullying BF!

#7 Bullying Hiong!

I think me and Kyle skipped getting bullied 'cos the shots went out. Hahahahhaha... lucky lucky. Oh yeah can you see we all ready for the beach! Hahahaha, I am sorry we are not that "exposed", we are all trying out best to cover our fatsss so no bikinis, swimming!

#8 Getting ready for the beach!

I obviously wouldn't be so stupid as to bring my camera to the beach right! Although I highly regretted the act not to because we didn't have any beach shots and I would like this trip to be as memorable as possible by pictures (tip given by miss gilda)!

I actually grew darker for this trip and I hadn't had my skin color back!

See, I actually rather sacrificed my convocation for this trip!

OK, after the beach shots! While we were queuing for the bathroom!

#9 The fattest sexiest one of us all!

Hiong seriously could put a push-up bra to good use. *Hands off mine to him*

Dinner arrives, and we soon get ready for a Buntal ( seafood haven) fest!

The guys have been raving about o-chien, o-chien (oyster omelette) all day!

What we had for dinner!

#10 Lobster!

#11 Fresh fishes!

Okay just kidding we didn't. We're budget freaks ok all our food are cheap seafood!

I am such a glutton that I didn't take any photos of the food hai! By the time I remembered, the food is finished already! Left are all those food scattered around the table!

because such gluttons are we, grabbed for the food and the food fell to the table -_-'''

But we ordered midin with red wine(yum!), sambal fried sotong, butter prawns (good!), o-chien (the guys: finally!) and seafood yam basket (what a treat!).

Okay thinking of them now make me hungry sigh!

#12 attention whore kyle stealing the limelight!

#13 kissing me ? kissing you?

# 14 one of the timers shot!

I seriously had to just randomly picked any ONE of the shots because they were so many and I was lazy to browse through all of them hur hur I am lazy lidat sue me

And then we went off to the bar to have some beers and have a chat!

We met Solomon at the pool earlier in the day so here we are having drinks with him! Then we take timers shot again!

#15 omg my big thighs! and nice boxers, sol!

#16 our gang, gosh if we tell people we're form 5 i bet they believe!

Back to our messy room!

#17 Bed arrangements!

#18 Me and the lame singaporeans!

Okay okay sorry for that, don't kick me out of your HDB flat folks!

Hamsup oopss sorry handsome singaporeans then! Better?

# 19 telling jokes all night longggg!

I am serious. This is seriously the longest ever night because we were all dead tired and yet we all refused to sleep! WHY!?

I muttered something along the line that the one who slept the earliest was going to treat lunch the next day earlier in the day.

who would have thought these buggers took my words seriously and we all hesitated to sleep even though someone even snored halfway through our jokes and pillow talks! But when we called his name to verify whether he was asleep, he answered!!! Much to the dismay of the rest of us! :(

We planned to have breakfast the next day so we probably need to get ready at 7am because take turns take bath ma and go down to the beach after that again!

So we call the bet off at 6am and decided to sleep! I think all of us slept soundly in the vicinity of 5 minutes!

Stayed all night long for what huh!!!! *sweat* should call off earlier ma! damn!

#20 Kyle refusing to get up

We woke up and it's 11am! sien! we missed bfast and was scheduled to check out at 12pm!!! stupiakkkk!

We rushed ourselves to get ready for last moments at the beach to make sure every ringgit is worth it. RM370 for a sleep-in merh!? What were we thinking of!?

Kyle went skinny dipping with momoren at midnight the night before! so he didn't want to join us at the beach.knn! Yala feisty night it was huh Kyle? Until no energy to join us for last minute at the beach!

no pictures because my cam was left in the room to pei Kyle hahaha.

Then after showers and more snacking! Packing and ready to go!

#21 gay pic is a must!

and what is my handbag doing in between ur *toot*, Hiong!!!! eeewwwwww...

#22 Bf goes camping wtf

#23 failed shot of both of us, imma more important ma!

#24 lunch at Hartz Sarawak Plaza

where I of course, greedily dig into my food because I was soooo hungry. But I only managed after 2 plates full lol.

And Ah Hiong got a warning from one of the staff because he used the soup bowl to get the ice-cream instead of the normal ice-cream plate. wtf why do I have uncivilized friends?

but yeah the trip is done and we should stay TWO NIGHTS next time damn time flew by real fast ok! I miss you guys already!

COME BACK TESS HIONG KYLE NEXT TIME WE GO, WE MUST BOOK EARLIER AND NOT BE CHARGED RM370 THEN CAN STAY TWO NIGHTS OK!

/end

P/S: OK, say happy convo to me now! :)

My love...

My BF did something really touching for me yesterday.

I don't know whether I should cry because he tried so much not to make me cry and yet if I still cry despite his efforts, wouldn't his efforts proved futile?

People always questioned me on my relationship, on how maintaining for the past 4 1/2 years was possible.

#1 during our younger days. Note my chipmunk cheeks and BF's kampung haircut!

I'm a little bit skeptical about love.

Maybe because I had always been infatuated with a certain someone at one point of time and I couldn't verify whether it is love or other wise.

And when the time comes, the infatuation would proved to be a useless fling that again tore at my heart, and it would took some time before it was completely whole again.

And the process repeats. And this is why I am skeptical about love.

# 2 during our trip to Sibu! - 2004

And then there's where loneliness starts to creep in, and I found Him. He wasn't ultimately perfect. In fact, should someone need me to point out his weaknesses, I probably could name a dozen.

As times goes and he proved to be a good friend - one of the best because he gave his ultimate attention to you when you need it. I didn't fancy the idea of being with him at first, because we were world's apart in so many fields, but he had this alluring, lovable feeling to be with.

That although he can be annoyingly direct at some point of times, his energy was unzappable and you feel like there's nothing to worry about when you're with him.

It's so funny. With my exes, I didn't even gave much thought when I was to be with them, but when I was asked to be with BF, I gave the whole idea such a long thought it took 2 months for me to say yes.

#3 2nd Valentine together

We had some of the fiercest fights ever because we are apparent equals in our relationship. Most of the time, he had to come back and get me because my ego separates me more from himself. But he never once detest me and penalize me for the mistakes I made, yet day by day he included me more in his agendas, as if nothing had happened.

I would say that what we had now is still comparably equal to the younger days we had.

The 4 1/2 years haven't bore us of each other yet. Until today, I would find it uncomfortable not to meet him for one day. We still do whatever we still do back when we first started together.

#4 The photo in my purse - 2005

Only we probably smarted much more.

Our arguments are shorter. I try not to pick on past mistakes. We enjoy our company together. He doesn't leave me when he knows I hate doing something alone.

At this point of time, we are inseparable.

People had been warning me 3 years is the time line to beat. By 3 years, you'll grow so accustomed to each other, you're living for the sake of being too comfortable to each other instead of loving the other person.

I admit the idea can be so true sometimes.

I always asked myself whether we are so comfortable with each other to the point we never really consider the "love" idea anymore.

And so I always check. After I asked myself, I'll make sure I'll ask him too.

I asked him one night whether he loves me and he answered me nonchalantly "Aiiiiiiiii......!" with his eyes fixed intently on the TV and munching on peanuts.

Right.

-_-'''

#5 CNY 2008

The next morning at 5.20am, he messaged me saying he loves me. When I asked him why was he awake at such an odd hour, he said he woke up suddenly and just thought of messaging me.

:)

I was sleeping but my phone was on, so I was awaken by the message.

But oddly enough, I normally would be moody because of my disturbed sleep but I wasn't and went back to sleep with a smile.

#6 At The spring this year. Where I look real sick.

When people questioned me about our plans, I would love to tell them what I had in mind. I had thought of further plans with him, but I really don't want to jinx anything by blurting out.

You know la - like you tell of extravagant wedding plans and big house, but the truth is I'll be totally happy being just with him in well-maintained house with enough space for all of us.

When I tell people I don't mind a small and limited career prospects, just as long as I am paid well enough to pamper myself a little bit and survive- people say I don't think enough like a Chinese.

They say I shouldn't be so easily satisfied, that I should strive and hunger more for success.

My say would be success can never beat happiness and if only success is accompanied with happiness, yes then come it may.

#7 at pandan beach jumping!

I am just happy being with him. Life obstacles may rake hard at us because we are both graduates and this is when career prospects may interfere, but I am hoping we will be able to stand against the test again.

Yes, happiness won't feed our stomachs but guess what, success won't make you feel lovable.

I hadn't been able to express whether I am head over heels in love with him. I probably wouldn't be able to tell you "higher than the skies, deeper than the ocean" kind of love- but I do feel the day is unbearable without him.

Like as if a part of my life is significantly missing.

:)

#8 His wai gong's bday

This is for the guy who accepted me for my flaws. Who came to me with flashlights when I was lost in the dark. Who motivates me in my lonesome sleep. Who brought up the meaning in my life every single day.

Without you, I would be lost.

No doubt about it.

I love you baby! :)

P/S: and right now I'll be on a KL-Spore trip with BF! Pray that we have fun! :)

My baffling convocation trip..

Hiong and Kyle left for Singapore today :(

Very sad coz now it's only me and BF, and it is very lonely being the only two of us. Well, maybe Beijing Olympics will cheer us up as had Euro 2008 had when there were the two of us too!

Okay, and people has been asking me why my posts nowadays very angry one!

Not that I want ok, it's just that.. just that.. some people can really be stupid and inconsiderate at some times which ticked me off extremely!

I'll just blow like a time bomb in my blog but believe me, in real life I hardly show any forms of discontent. So my alter ego in my blog is probably the more extreme one but in real life, I am the more timid one.

My convo is like errr... 4 days away (it's on Thursday, afternoon session, around 5pm, Dewan Tunku Canselor people!). But I hardly made any preparation for it!

Now that Gilda has been messaging me about everything, I am starting to get worried! People looked forward to the event like it is the most biggest awaited thing in their life and I am dismissing it!

While I know it is quite a big thing in one's life (esp people like me who are not going for post grad studies), the whole day is pretty tiring!

I hated the fact that we have to look good for the cameras, sweat, entertain family members and friends, think of transport and time managements and yet still be excited for the whole event!

Planning for this trip alone made me agitated at many times; at my mom, at BF because everybody can be so indecisive and they totally relied on my years in KL/PJ which sucked. Because I hardly go out anywhere during my first 2 years in UM and only during when I stayed at Xavier's, I get to see more of the KL.

Anyways, I'll be going to KL on the 5th. My convo will be on the 7th afternoon and then I'll go to Singapore on the 9th or 10th! Where we will meet Hiong and Kyle again hahahaha!

I feel very sad actually because I am not on my own on this trip; and there are certain things that I have to take care of like my family and BF - so I am very afraid that things that I have planned initially like going for closest friends' convocation days (Gilda, Ivory, Sheen?, Melvin, Pei2) and dinners with friends (Alicia, Laura, Tim?, Jason?) might have to be canceled off to entertain my family/BF and making sure they don't feel left out.

So I am sorry folks if I can't meet up with you guys, I really appreciated all the times we had together! :(

On the other hand, I am so excited that mom and BF is coming along with me on this, I mean it will be a total new whole experience altogether!

I wished everything would just come to place. :)

Till the next post, guys!

HELLO RETARDED BRATS!

Hello!

I am just here to tell you a community service! Listen carefully k..

THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU ALONE!

I am very sorry that you are robbed of proper civil education and unable to empathize with people on A LOT of accounts BUT you better start looking behind your back because karma happens and you might be stuck with a knife behind your back or a basket full of cats fall on your face and they all started scratching your good-for-nothing face with claws!

Do you understand your rude acts just reflected on your parents?
Do you know that we are not slaves to you?
Do you know you're a spoiled brat?

I've had enough. Lowlifes scum of the earth GET AWAY!